You know, I had planned on updating this blog on a daily basis, but I’ve been so mind-numbingly depressed lately that everytime I sit down to do it, I just can’t cope. The only thing that keeps me sane when I’m depressed is music, so I’ve been listening to my favorite songs on shuffle, trying to keep myself at least stable enough so that I don’t start cutting again. When I feel like this, I am reminded of how music has saved my life time and time and time again. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. I started a series on my private Facebook page about the Albums That Saved My Life and thought I’d share some of my entries. I don’t usually get personal here, but what the hell… at least this way I’m posting something! I hope you find something of value from these ramblings…
Closer by Joy Division (1980)
I was always a melancholy child, but my depression became crippling in the 6th grade, when I stopped going to school for extended periods of time because I couldn’t cope with the realization that I was a freak. My desperation continued to worsen before it reached an absolute, molasses-like apex in 10th grade. It was around this time that I read a review of the last Joy Division album, Closer, in Rolling Stone. At first I thought “Joy Division” was the name of a female singer, but reading the article I realized it was a critically acclaimed British band whose lead singer, Ian Curtis, had committed suicide the year before. Instant fascination!
I immediately rushed out to buy the album with my $7.50/week allowance. (It was actually my lunch money, but I starved myself all day so I could use every cent for records and magazines.) I was immediately impressed by the quality of the packaging: nice, heavy, textured cardstock with a gorgeous black and white photograph of a deathbed vigil and marvelous typography. The packaging had no “side one” or “side two” listed, so I started by listening to what I later found out was side two – one of the most mournful and majestic sides of music ever created: “Heart and Soul,” “Twenty Four Hours,” “The Eternal,” and “Decades”. These songs became the soundtrack of my suicidal years filled as they are with some of the most desolate lines in the history of popular music: “Existence, well what does it matter?/I exist on the best terms I can/The past is now part of my future/The present is well out of hand.” I would sit in my room and play the bass line to “Twenty Four Hours” on my guitar, and imagine that I had written the song. Well, I could have written the song. The emotions were mine.
… A cloud hangs over me, marks every move
Deep in the memory of what once was love
… Just for one moment thought I’d found my way
Destiny unfolded – I watched it slip away
… Just for one moment heard somebody call
Looked beyond the day in hand – there’s nothing there at all
Now that I’ve realized how it’s all gone wrong
Gotta find some therapy – this treatment takes too long
Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway
Gotta find my destiny before it gets too late
In one of my many efforts to get my parents to take my mental problems seriously (cuts on my arms were another, more enduring, example), I started writing these lyrics and posting them all over my bedroom walls. At the height of my desperation, I even wrote suicide notes that contained some of these lines in my own blood (though I didn’t post those). It took a few days, but my mother finally asked me about the lyrics and if I was feeling those emotions. Even though I desperately wanted to talk about it, I chickened out at the last second and said, “No, not at all – those are just some of my favorite lyrics.” My mother told me that I shouldn’t listen to that music because it was making me depressed. She didn’t understand that I listened to that music because it expressed my own depression better than anything else ever could. Better, even, than The Bell Jar.
Closer is the soundtrack of years spent in a dark bedroom, crying in despair, cutting myself and hating myself, and trying desperately to hold on for the promise of something better in the future, fearful that the day would never come. Its power is immense.
well of course i want to be a “friend” on your facebook page damn….i’ll send you an email with my facebook also and you can decide if you want me there.
The one that saved mine is “The Boy with the Thorn in his Side” by The Smiths and this version in particular is from the mini-series on the BBC called Blackpool. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjv3cpeHgAs
One reason I loved this version was the concept of the cops actually arresting someone in song and dance. Plus, I’m a sucker for Doctor Who and the current Doc is one of the best actors working right now David Tennant – I don’t reckon he ever freakin sleeps mate! Anyway……..I’m climbing back into my DEA forced pain hole right now…national shortage of my meds has forced me to wait till the 2nd to get them, on a high note, my pharm is refusing anyone else who asks for them so I will get them after my appointment.
Cheers
Sandy
Nothing really insightful to add. Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been in various forms of therapy since I was 7 or 8, currently diagnosed as bipolar. Those lows are rough. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone, and that music saves. I love Rasputina, they always help when I’m depressed.
Oh I forgot to add that Blackpool is a dark comdey/drama in 6 1hr eps. It’s a fun watch, almost all the music vids are on youtube but the context in which they are in the show is lost watching the vids only.
great way to waste an entire day tho…….
@Sandy The Boy With The Thorn In His Side is a wonderful song. As a gay person I can really relate to the lyrics: “How can they see the love in our eyes and still they don’t believe us?” and as a socially asleep outcast I could TOTALLY relate to the lines: “And when you want to live how do you start? Where do you go? Who do you need to know?” Beautiful, beautiful song.
@MoxieHart Thank you, MoxieHart. It is always good to realize you aren’t alone. 🙂
@Sandy I’ve never heard of it. I’ll have to give it a try. Thanks!
No worries! Yes those words mean so much to me too, I’ve been told forever that all my pain is ‘in my head’ and found this vid right after being wrongly accused as doctor shopping. I’m also a mum who is raising a bi-sexual male teen, so I totally understand – my son is lucky though to have family and probably more importantly for his age is friends that back him and didn’t leave himn when he came out. That’s not to say life is perfect for him (he’s a cutter too *sigh* found the marks today – what were the odds!!!) he’s been spat on, smacked in the face etc. The universe did him a good turn and made him tall and hunky at least! But more importantly, made him tolerant. He tries his best to shrug them off, imagine if he didn’t have his family and friends. Oh and he wears a shit load of my make-up for the dark and brooding eyes look – bluest eyes I’ve ever seen!
And, it’s true as they say “This too, shall pass”! If not for people such as yourself, my son wouldn’t have been able to come out to friends – many GLBT paved his way for him and made life easier. For that I Thank You!!
As for Blackpool – yeah great show, but I must confess, you should like Brit TV to enjoy it? Dunno, it’s not on DVD in the US (despite it’s nod for the Golden Globe); so I used a torrent to find the entire show.
Lots of ‘just for fun’ songs through out the show!
And, yes I’m watching it today as I wait for my MJ man LOL! Almost 5pm, slow bastard!
OH – so DUH, in the Blackpool clip above (and if you watched the link I left above) the kid is talking about being Gay…..amongst several other things.
How could I leave that out? I’m not on top of my game at all. *sigh*
Cheers all
Sandy
I’ve suffered from depression my entire life, as long as I can remember. I only began getting tretment a few years ago, so some really tough times have had to be waded through. My music was always very important to me. Toyah was my rock in the 80s – she was a post-punk kinda girl, but totally did her own thing; lots of screaming & crying, lyrics like “We’re the Obsolete, in the dawn where fire & darkness meet, an electric chair & death will meet to obviate the Osolete”
My current favourite is PJ Harvey, of whom I have 2 albums: ‘Uh Huh Hur’ and ‘White Chalk’, the latter of which hols a haunting tune ‘Dear Darkness’ :
Dear darkness
Dear darkness
Won’t you cover, cover
Me again?
Dear darkness
Dear
I’ve been your friend
For many years
Won’t you do this for me?
Dearest darkness
And cover me from the sun
And the words tightening
The words are tightening
Around my throat
And, and…
Around the throat of the one I love
Tightening, tightening, tightening
Around the throat of the one I love
Tightening, tightening, tightening
Dear darkness
Dear darkness
Now it’s your time to look after us
‘Cause we kept you clothed
We kept in business
When everyone else was having good luck
So now it’s your time
Time to pay
To pay me and the one I love
With the worldly goods you’ve stashed away
With all the things you
Took from us
I can highly recommend both albums.
I hope you feel better very soon. The troughs are the worst times. What most people can’t understand is that there’s no REASON for feeling so bad, you just DO.
Sending kind thoughts and *hugs*
Long time lurker here. I just wanted to say you should give video games a try, they are very therapeutic, depending on what mood you are in. Feel like killing? Feel like being an asshole? There is a game very every situation.
@Bluegrasslass Of course, as a child of the 70’s/80’s, I was aware of Toyah but I never listened to her. I also waded through many, many years of depression before finally getting treatment, so I can understand where you’re coming from. And PJ is great – you should get Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea. It is brilliant!
@Michael W Lam You know, I used to play video games years ago but they are just too time consuming for me these days. Alas…
Cliche but have you sought solace in autobiographies?
Abraham Lincoln was one of the most depressed men alive and he accomplished a great deal in his short life. Give it ago, you might find a ‘soulmate’ so to speak.
I have been reading your site for well over a decade now. You and I would not likely have a lot in common were we to meet in life. I am conservative, straight male with 4 kids I love very much and my wife and I plan on having more, lord willing. But this world has horrors that cannot be escaped. (BTW-I should recomend Qho Vadis to you-great depictions of what Nero did to the christians) I am fascinated by torture and punishment.
This post struck a deep spot within me. First–I was there, too. Maybe I still am there. I remember true thoughts of suicide and the music that got me through it. Different music (Better than Ezra, Pearl Jam, Silver Chair, Cowboy Mouth, etc) but it was a reflection of the inside. Hell, even today I can’t drink, play video games, or read fiction because I escape my depression to readily and life gets worse. I run to anything that will help me to forget my problems instead of facing them. Second, and more strongly, you have encouraged me to make sure that I listen to my children, maybe especially to what they are not saying. They are all still young, but I need to make sure to talk with them more. Thank you.